I am feeling a little sappy right now. I just watched "Knocked Up" and even though the movie was very implausible, the end when the baby is born made me cry. Made me want another baby. It is physically impossible for me to have another baby and I am not even sure if I would have one if i could have one but that sure got my emotions going.
Then on the other hand, when the two guys were in Vegas and high on mushrooms was HIGHlarious. Maybe if the movie would have ended with that scene, I would be crying tears of laughter now. I know those days of little babies are over until one of my own babies give me grandchildren - you know in like 20 years or so.
Daniel flew up or graduated or moved up to be a Wolf in his cub scout troop this weekend. The pack had a family picnic at the Squantz Pond, a state park in our town. It was really a beautiful day and I really felt so much gratitude for where we live. When we lived in NYC, Stephen Ian had kindergarten recess in the parking lot of his school - no grass, no playground equipment, nothing to keep them busy at all but the big huge lot of concrete. Now we get to be surrounded by trees and grass and water and my goodness, it is like a painting or movie or something. More sappy thoughts.
Check out what Daddy has hanging on his leg:
Doesn't Daddy look happy? If you look closely you can see a small bandage - he had surgery on his knee on Monday and he said Margaret was hanging on it. I don't buy it - he always seems this grouchy.
Margaret playing with her big brother, Christopher. He is officially living with us now and I officially have not one moment of privacy or alone time. NOT one. And it IS getting to me.
My sweet girl giving me a flower. I get one almost everyday from her. She loves to take a bleeding heart and give me one. I just realized something - my boy always gave me 'flowers' when they were little and now Margaret is too. They don't give them to their Dad and I might have thought that a girl would give flowers to her Daddy but I get them. That makes me feel really loved. (excuse the sap)
Margaret and my sister's dog, Ruby, on Mother's Day. I embroidered the shirt she has on. I am so proud of myself -my very first hand embroidered thing EVER. I love it.
Best close up I could get:
I purchased Sublime Stitching and Doodle Stitching and used a pattern for the SWEET and then hand cut a heart and attached it to some fat quarter fabric that I had forever. I sewed it onto a inexpensive shirt that I purchased at Target and VIOLA! Next time I am going to fuse the applique to the shirt first and then add the stitches.
I went on to purchase this pattern and this pattern and when i get some free time, I will make something with them. I have been scouring the town thrift store for some clothes that I can 'repurpose'.
I just had to add this -- for the people who know him. This crazy guy is my BIL, Buzzy. I was taking photos of the girls and he had to jump in and ham it up. One day I will scan in the wedding photos that he sorta 'ruined' by hiking his pants up for the group shots. HIGHlarious (now that is).
Oh and by the way - I know that Daniel's Cub Scouts group is a DEN not a troop and he didn't FLY up (that is the term when you go from a Brownie to a girl scout. I am just practicing for when Margaret is in the Girl Scouts.
This photo just popped out at me while looking though my blog folder. Margaret had RSV and was in the hospital when this photo was taken. I breaks my heart in a few different ways. We have been through so much in this marriage - I have always been the positive cheerleader of this union. So much of what has happened has revolved around this girl and has changed me down to my core. So much baggage and garbage from my past has fallen away and left me lighter and happier.
It doesn't seem to be that way for him. I guess it is different for men -- they want to fix things and she cant be fixed. I wouldn't even ask for her to be fixed -- I would ask for her to be happy and healthy and successful and prosperous in life. He would fix her and take away what he sees as wrong and I see nothing WRONG. I see her needs as something that has to be addressed and taken care of and we have to do things to improve her quality of life and her ability to adjust and adapt. I take the cards I have been dealt and I do the best I can with them - he wants to throw his hand in and ask for new cards.
He sees in his mind a chart of a successful man and goes through it checking off the things he has accomplished and is not happy for these things or not happy for very long. The only thing he seems to be able to concentrate on are the things that he hasn't accomplished and goals that he thinks he should have met by now. I see the things we do have and I feel such gratitude for them. I cannot think of one THING that I need to be a more successful person. Yes, sure, I wish we had at least one more bathroom, but i will never feel like a failure if we do not have it.
I have my shortcomings and I always feel like I can improve in some areas of my life but I will never feel unhappy now while I am trying to attain these goals. If I have a bad moment or day and loose my patience with my kids, I do take the time to apologize to them and I do make the effort and usually succeed in doing things differently and better the next time. I avoid many many arguments by just accepting and not judging and not comparing. And sometimes by just keeping my mouth shut.
I feel tired of being the lone cheerleader. For two days I have been feeling a bit depressed and I can see how me not being cheerful and talkative effects this family. For two nights at dinner time - no one really spoke. No one had any conversations to start or comments to make. We ate in a diner last night -- nothing fancy and the kids were thrilled. Daniel kept saying 'wow, this is a fancy restaurant diner and three of the kids were very polite to the waitress and ate their dinners and were very good. I had a nice cup of diner coffee -- something about those white cups -- mmm, yum and when we were walking to the car my husband was complaining about how much it cost.
I was trying to be positive - well we all like it, we had a nice time, you and Chris both got two things each and drinks, I thought it was yummy and stuff like that. He commented again about the money and how we should have gone somewhere else. I had it at that point -- I asked him (kinda shouted really) if he wanted me to throw the food up and give it back? I think he was shocked. "I'm just saying" he said, like I was crazy. I got in the car and slammed my knee into the dashboard because my seat was closer to the steering wheel because he needed the room behind me for his knee.
I didn't say anything about my knee but tears came right to my eyes, it hurt so bad. My heart hurts too. I wish I could perform some magic and make him see how good he has it. And I am not even including myself in that good -- he needs to see how wonderful his life really is and I know I cant make him see.
Oh boy - I didn't see this post going this way. There is no resolution to this issue -- just a work in progress I guess. I do remember how much I was in love with him when we met - crazy in love. It was love at second sight. I never thought that we would be here now. Together but separate. A union but not a team.
This movie tonight brought out so much of this -- I should have listened to my ipod instead! I never thought a comedy movie would make me look at my life with so much drama.
added 5/19/08
upon further reflection:
I realized that my relationship with my husband has always been one of pessimist and optimist. I loved him so much and wanted to make up for all the hurt he has had in his life. I showered him with love and attention and he did the same for me. We were awesome together but now our lives are more than just us two. The biggest change in our relationship besides our children is me.
Now it is time to practice what I preach and be proactive and work towards a solution - whatever that may be.